I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. 
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
I want me a big black girl...the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.
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Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A: A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody but you.
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end…
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Answer: Ten minutes of silence.
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Chuck Norris impregnates women without having sex with them.
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A Knight was getting ready for the crusade.
Ha turned to his friend and told him:
"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."
When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:
"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"