Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
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What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive.
I kinda got it.
Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast.
They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes.
Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped.
Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped.
Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped.
The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said
"Why? We can both jump."
"How is that?" said the monk.
The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"
Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.