Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."
The Dove Bar's like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you're not careful when you take it out of the package, you'll snap your wrists.
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny." Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
When a White guy is... Scared- He gets even whiter. Cold- He turns Blue. Angry-He turns Red. Stoned- Gray duh. Sick- He turns Green. When a Black guy is... Scared- He stays Black. Cold- He stays Black. Angry- He stays Black. Stoned- He stays Black. Black Man to White Man: And you calling us colored.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all real at one time... then they met Chuck. There can only be 1 living legend.
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."
Chuck Norris was born in a house he build himself.
Chuck can use "save" in real life. But he doesn't need it.