The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts. I'm thinking maybe homicide.
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.
A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, "Where's the burger?" The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies. The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.