Joke #3639

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you are not."

If women knew what men were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping them.

A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on Earth for?" "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor." "OK, but it's against my better judgment." Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised." Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.