Joke #3640

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions'

What are the three rules for being a plumber? 1. Hot water is always on the left. 2. Shit doesn't flow uphill 3. Never chew your fingernails.

If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...

I know when god becomes angry. When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"

Somebody knocks on door: Who is there? Police? What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other.

How did Nicki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas? Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.

Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.

T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons. Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.