Joke #3648

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. “Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked. “No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”

Men are like... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste... All of a sudden the salesman asks her: "You're single, aren't you?" A bit surprised woman smiles and answers: "That's right, but how did you guessed that?" "Because you're so ugly."

Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.

A man bought a new car. Next day he is driving his car to office. On the way he was waiting for the Signal. Suddenly he opened the door and got down. Then he went to the Traffic Police and asked him, "How much should I pay to turn right?" The Policeman was astonished and asked, "Why are you asking like this?" Then man showed him the sign board which was in the corner of the road: "Free Left Turn"