Joke #3660

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

Law of employment: When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.

Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath? A: Stinkerbell!

Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."

Google is setting up a new search engine to answer life's difficult and most complex questions with the response always being the same... Chuck Norris.