‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’
Rodney Dangerfield
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A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline.
A week after the marriage all their windows fell out.
Which was the least of their worries.
A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?"
Girlfriend texts back "Duh!"
So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries.
"Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk.
If you want it harder, you say tomato.
If you want it faster, you say lettuce, and if you want to moan you say any other ingredients that would be on a sandwich."
So they're up on the top bunk having sex, and she's yelling "Tomato! Tomato! Lettuce! Lettuce! Cheese! Cheese!"
Well the little brother is still on the bottom bunk and yells "Hey can you guys knock it off, your getting Mayonnaise all over me!!!"
A guy went to a supermarket and began to smoke.
Miss salesman: "Sir don't smoke here."
Guy: "I've just bought the cigarettes from here."
Miss salesman: "We sell condoms too; so that is not why you fuck me here."
Vote:
Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.
Did I tell you the joke about my dick?
Never mind its too long.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
Yo momma so nasty i had phone sex with her and she gave me an earinfection.
Mary and Jane are talking.
Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying.
‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane.
‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary.
‘I got pregnant within two months.’
‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane.
‘It didn’t work for us.’
‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary.
‘You have to go alone.’