How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Similar jokes
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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he’s been overpaid by £50.
This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?
Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."
"I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"
Vote:
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW.
Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly.
‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines.
‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer.
‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’
‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer.
‘Where’s my Rolex?’
The lawyer’s motto:
a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!”
The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.
"Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness,
"I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear.
The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans.
I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."
"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"
"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear.
I only have to outrun you."