What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A Dobermann pinscher.
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If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?’
Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident?
The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
A man walked into a lawyer's office.
"How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account.
That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.