A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
The town’s local council remarks that the best lawyer in town never made a donation to charity tendency.
To convince him, the mayor calls him in his office:
Sir, I remarked that you’re revenue reached a number of $600.000.
With all these, you never made a donation to the charity...
If you looked into my files, did you also remark that my mother is sick, and the medicaments she needs exceed her funds?
No... answers mayor.
In second place, my brother, war veteran, is condemned in a wheelchair and he’s blind.
The mayor started apologizing, but was interrupted:
And more, my sister died into a car accident and left tree children orphans.
Stunned, the mayor says:
I didn’t know, please accept my apologies...
But the lawyer continues:
I don’t see why I should give you any money, if I don’t ever give them money...
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a beer.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk".
The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar".
The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks".
The man refuses and claims that's stupid.
But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an orgasm since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle!
Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit.
Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening.
After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper.
In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered.
The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that damn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old bitch is who needs that tooth pulled".
Heard this from an old man, not sure where he got it from, or if it's on here already or not.
Chuck Norris won one million dollars gambling playing Solitaire.
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When we moved to the US I was 8 years old.
I remember asking my father if I can have an allowance?
When he asked me what that was, I said you're allowed to give me money.
A husband and wife are having financial troubles.
They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.
The husband drops his wife off in the red light area of town, and returns 6 hours later.
She gets in the car and says, "Look, I made $40.50 !"
"What jerk gave you 50 cents?" he asks.
"All of them!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.