What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
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A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband.
The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’
English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."
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A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring.
One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
"My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
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Why shouldn't you carry two half dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor.
The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly.
Will you look at us?" "Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love.
"You are making love perfectly," the doctor said.
"That will be $10."
They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing.
On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!"
"She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house.
A motel costs $20.
You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."
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Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate.
You give the money to charity."
A guy goes into an antique shop.
He's browsing around the shop and comes across a brass rat.
He picks up the rat and is looking at it when the shop owner approaches him.
He asks the owner how much the Brass Rat is.
The shop owner says $20 For the rat and $10 for the story behind it.
The customers say I don't need to know the story but I'll buy the rat.
So he pays for the rat and leaves the shop.
After about 50 yards he hears a Wierd noise behind him and so looks around.
There's a bunch of rats following him so he picks up the pace a walks faster but the noise gets louder.
He glances behind and there are hundreds of rats following him so he starts to run.
Still, the noise gets louder and there are thousands of rats chasing him.
He comes to a bridge over the river and thinks the rats are chasing him because of the Brass Rat, he has so he throws the rat as far as he can into the river.
All the rats that were chasing him then all jump into the river and drown.
The guy thinks for a while and then walks back to the shop.
As he enters the shop the owner who saw him coming said I bet you came back for the story behind the Brass Rat did you?
The customer says no I didn't.
Have you got a brass Nigger?
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Once Chuck Norris signed a cheque and the bank bounced.
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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."