How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
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Why God did made the snake before lawyers?
To exercise.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist.
One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other.
The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side.
I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
The lawyer’s motto:
a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes?
Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers.
‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says.
‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000.
And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’
The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom.
‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’