Joke #5055

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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has 85.46 % from 144 votes. More jokes about: lawyer

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
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has 39.90 % from 9 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
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has 72.71 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, money, work
How is an earnest lawyer called? An oxymoron.
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has 39.47 % from 11 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
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has 76.32 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: communication, lawyer
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee–If No Recovery!
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has 54.26 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
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has 64.78 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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has 84.28 % from 148 votes. More jokes about: divorce, lawyer, marriage, wedding
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him. Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case. ‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’ ‘Why?’ asks the judge. ‘He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?’ Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
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has 60.16 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: lawyer
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
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has 66.60 % from 128 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, Hitler, lawyer