Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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A guy was talking with his friend:
I’ve managed to separate from my wife in common agreement: she gets the house and I get the car and desk.
Ok, but how about your finances?
The lawyer takes care of those...
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"Professional courtesy."
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?
In a pellet court!
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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How can you know a lawyer is lying?
When he moves his lips.
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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