Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. “So what did you think?” he asks. “Ahh,” replies the first lawyer, “my wife is better.” Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?” The second guy replies, “You were right.”
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
From tomorrow you are free! The lawyer informs his client. Yes, I’m so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner. I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...
Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It's called Sosumi.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a spermatozoid? Only one from 30.000 gets a man.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
A man calls a lawyer’s office. A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’ The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s playing golf today.’ ‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him. Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case. ‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’ ‘Why?’ asks the judge. ‘He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?’ Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’