Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
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A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he's boring.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."
"I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"
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Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident?
The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.