If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
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In the High Court:
Do you know what you get for false testimony?
Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."
Vote:
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.
He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.
When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
A desperate man enters a bar and says:
All the lawyers are stupid!!!
From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man:
Take that back!
Why? Are you a lawyer?
No, I’m stupid...
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.
One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuck her!
The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.