The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with
pictures of favorite lawyers on them.
The people that use them don’t know which side to spit on!
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Q: Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
A: They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder.
After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted.
The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’.
The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
Vote:
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation.
Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"
A Preacher and a lawyer both go to heaven at the same time and the Preacher receives his gifts that he had expected and he sees that the lawyer gets this big house and pool.
The Peacher asked God: "Why is it that I get the things I've wanted, but the lawyer gets all that?"
God Replied: "He is the first lawyer to make it into Heaven."