Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand.
The judge says, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies.
"He beats me."
The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?"
"No," Baby Bear replies.
"She beats me too."
So the judge says, "So who do you want to live with?"
Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."
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Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
A man is participating in a golf tournament.
He was left to golf with just his caddy.
On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups.
The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty.
However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.
"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."
"Thanks," says the man.
"But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low.
The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."
"Waiter, these noodles are a bit crunchy."
Waiter: "That's because they're the chopsticks, sir."
After meeting with Chuck Norris' lawyer the UFC have changed their name from "Ultimate Fighting Championship" to simply "Fighting Championship."
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What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.
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