Joke #3870

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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has 56.98 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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A neutron walks into the hotel bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
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has 67.68 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
These two drunks walk out of a bar and see a dog across the streets licking its own nuts. First guy says "Man, sure wish I could do that." Second says "I dunno, I think I'd pet him first."
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has 54.97 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila
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A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around? The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!"
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has 32.54 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, "the bartender says, "I'm sorry. Here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell the bartender it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
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has 44.24 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
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has 74.20 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, heaven
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.'
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has 29.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"
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has 50.89 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, drunk