A young guy walks into a bar.
An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."
The young guy looks around.
"Can I try it?"
The older guy nods.
The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum.
The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hell have you been?
What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Blow Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."
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What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A drunk goes to work.
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
How do barmen surf the web?
On the Gin-ternet.
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What a barman!
When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have."
The other to asked how.
She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"