A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?" The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?" "No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs," the drunk replied.
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day." The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend." The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again." The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field. Halfway across he drops his hat. He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job... He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around? The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!"
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin.