The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.
‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’ Bob Hope
Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust? A: The cost.
Yo' Mama is so poor, her tv only has two channels: on and not working.
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
Man, to friend, ‘My wife makes terrible demands for money. Two weeks ago she asked for £50. Last week she wanted £100, and yesterday it was £150.’ Friend, ‘What does she do with it all?’ Man, ‘I don’t know. I never give her any.’