Joke #3882

The wages of sin are death – but after taxes and NI contributions you’ll just end up feeling a bit tired.

A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.

Yo mama's so poor, I was driving with her and she parked next to a garbage can. I asked, "What're you doing?" She said: "I'm booking us a hotel!"

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa.

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together. The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail. The robbery begins. The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" "Perfectly," he said. He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car. One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!" The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, "I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.

What’s the difference between a pigeon and a tramp? The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.

Yo' Mama is so skanky, when the waiter brought out her strip steak, she asked where to tuck the dollar bills.

Chuck Norris doesn't have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank!