What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
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A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
Bill Gates died in a car accident.
He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”
Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”
Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
“Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.
Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
“This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
God says, “That was the screen saver”.
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."
The man shook his head.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"
The man shook his head again angrily.
"Sorry... a worm?"
The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
"Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"
An artist, a lawyer, and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties.
It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, ‘It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.
My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!’
Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!
What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1!
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If you see the Blue Screen of Death on your laptop... it's because Chuck Norris found out you were reading Chuck Norris jokes.
Vote:
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times
I type eleven, it won’t unfreeze.
Agent: What do you mean, “type eleven?”
Caller: The message on my screen says, “Error Type 11!”