What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Two old men hobble into the pub. One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’ ‘All right,’ says the other. ‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’
Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted? A: He needs to change his pants afterward.
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."
Harry is better at sex than anyone he know. Now all he needs is a partner.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex? She locks the car doors.
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry. Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."