What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.
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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly.
So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building.
Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight.
So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat".
To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".
Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
Vote:
Knock, Knock
Who is there?
A long erected penis with an eye on my head and some wools in my feet.
What do you want?
Is there any body to suck me? I want to weep.
Vote:
This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week.
He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.
He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."
The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”.
The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”
At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”
The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.
He then has an idea.
Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.
He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.
Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”
Next morning he hands the doc the jar.
Doc pours the contents into the machine.
This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop.
Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”
Q:What did the black girl say while having sex?
A:Dad get off me your crushing my ciggs.
Two Italian men get on a bus...
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Vote:
A beautiful woman sits next to a drunk in a bar.
He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey.
How about you and me getting it on?
I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’
The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’
Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.