What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.
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Are you a mum?
I am not a dad!
Maybe you could help me with that!
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"
"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
‘I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago.
I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said “No”.’ Woody Allen
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.
She was hungry for love and didn’t know where her next male was coming from.
Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.