What’s a man’s definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.
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When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.
A 6 year old boy asks his daddy:
Daddy, where did I come from to this life?
You were brought by a stork.
That's strange, you have such a pretty wife, but nevertheless you're fucking a stork.
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?
A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
He doesn’t stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.
Yo mama is so stupid, she did her dad last night.
Mary, a horny and sexy 23 year old and a handsome, single, sexy doctor Matt have an appointment together.
Doctor: Well what's your problem madam?
Mary: Well, there's something wrong with my tongue.
Doctor: What's wrong with it?
Mary: Examine it and you'll see.
Doctor: Why don't you just-
Mary: EXAMINE IT!
Doctor: Fine. (Starts examining tongue, confused as there is nothing wrong with it.)
Mary: (Suddenly pushes tongue into Matt's mouth)
Doctor: (Pulls out tongue, furiously) Oh, so that's what's wrong with your tongue, eh? It's wanting sex. I see. I can fix that. (Goes to lock door, and rips off all of his clothes) Now your turn.
Mary: Wow. I should have just asked.
Doctor: (Starts to plunge in and out his dick from Mary's pussy.) Do you wanna make it more enjoyable?
Mary: (Moaning and groaning sexually) Ooooooh yes.... Baby..... Yes....
Doctor: Ooooooh it feels SOOO good. (Starts to moan and groan sexually, he suddenly cums)
Mary: Aaaaah a baby, fuck me more!
Doctor: (Goes on top of Mary) I'm fucking you as hard as I can!
When the session is finished, Mary wants to tell Matt something.
Mary: That was great. But do you know why you got so aroused before?
Doctors: Yes. It was very strange, I was not horny before.
Mary: My tongue had viagra powder on it. That's why I put my tongue in your mouth.
Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex?
A: They're both very rare.
A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids.
A lady went and sat down next to him.
She asked, "Are these all your kids?"
The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".
I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?"
A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.
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