What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you? A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.’ Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations." The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations." "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom, "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talkng about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"
This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"
My girlfriend likes to pretend to be a 14 year old when we have sex. I don't get it she will be 14 in a few years anyway.
An old couple returning from florida cross the border. The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no. the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?". the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything". the customs agent asks the man where he is from. the man answers "toronto". the man's wife says "what did he say?" the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto." the man's wife says "what did he say?" the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."
One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. "What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" "Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"