Joke #3960

He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.

Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no...smallcox, too!"

What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy her cigarettes. He walks there only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use their vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and eventually end up in her apartment. After they've had some fun, he realizes it's 3 a.m. and says, "My wife's going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?" The woman gives him some talcum powder, which he rubs on his hands and then goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and screeches, "Where the hell have you been?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there, we had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, "You liar! You went bowling again!"

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica? A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.