He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased.
Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?"
He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right."
"Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!"
"Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break."
"I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!"
After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife.
As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed.
As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?"
She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vagina.
In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50.
After a long pause, the couple agreed.
The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in.
After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hell is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans I'm going to drown the bastard."
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale.
It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
One day Sven walks into the local pub and announces, "Well boys Svens is getting married."
As you can imagine all of Sven's' friends were very happy for Sven's good fortune and they asked, "Who's the lucky girl?"
Sven replied, "Well I am a marrying Madge."
Well, this upset all of Sven's friends because Madge was nothing but a slut, and they all cried.
"Sven you can't marry Madge, she's not a nice girl!"
"Sven replied, "Oh ya, Sven's in love and he's a getting married."
And his friends persisted, "Sven, Madge is a woman of low morals."
Sven just grinned and replied, "Oh ya ya ya, but I love Madge."
Finally, his friends had enough and in unison cried out, "But Sven, Madge has been screwed by every man in town!"
"Oh ya ya ya," said Sven, "But it's not that big of a town."
Things Your Wife Won't Say:
The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.
I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.
God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.
Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
Awesome fart! Do another one!
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."
The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"
"A month."
"Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”
“Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?”
“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'