What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
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Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
What is the difference between marriage and death?
Dead people are free.
When you try to change a man, you basically undertake his mother’s role;
And she made him eat spinach and study for school...
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.
So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".