You WILL be a winner today.
Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
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The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk.
Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints.
"Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman.
"Do you need it pasteurized then?"
"No," says the woman.
"Up to my tits will be fine."
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?”
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces.
St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates.
“How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.”
St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?”
Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?”
St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”
Vote:
My life may be a mess but I know the difference between "Your" & "You're"-
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Ҭ"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant.
A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster.
After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples.
The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load?
I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.
Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?
Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!