Joke #4872

I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says: "Haha nice one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: life

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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
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has 85.37 % from 729 votes. More jokes about: airplane, life, priest, travel, women
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
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has 77.53 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, men
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants. So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says "This is the last time I ask earthling!" Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker". Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away. As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?" The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."
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has 67.76 % from 119 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, life, morbid, vulgar
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep." Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
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has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life
Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell. A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.
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has 35.66 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, school, work
A: What does "IDK" mean? B: I don't know. A: Ugh! Nobody does!
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has 62.55 % from 134 votes. More jokes about: life
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
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has 57.92 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: life, money, work
Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs. Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs. Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu. He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it." "Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."
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has 85.07 % from 9006 votes. More jokes about: food, life, work
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong. He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh. The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"
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has 74.21 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: life, men, wife, women
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with. I dyed my hair!
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has 53.18 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: beauty, blonde, life, stupid