Joke #3992

We have our water metered and it’s very expensive. The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.

Q: If marriage is terrific what is divorce? A: Ten thousand!

Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.

Q: Who was the best business woman in the Bible? A: Pharoah's daughter – she drew a profit from the rush at the bank.

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it's classed as an Act of God!

Money talks – all mine says is ‘Goodbye!’

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked. "Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

I went to the groceries because I wanted to buy one bottle of milk. I have found out that I´ve got only 0,50 cent and the mild has cost 1 euro. I have told the saleswoman that I have only 0,50 cent and I want to buy one bottle of milk. She has solved the situation very practically. She has taken the mop, went to the storage, cleaned the floor with spilled milk on it, she has pressed out the mop to the carry bag and gave it to me. At home I have added this milk to the coffee, I have felt something like stones or something like that under my teeth, but the coffee was really tasty. After that came my friends and the party has continued as usual.

Father's Day always worried James. He was afraid that he will get a gift he can't afford.