Joke #3997

Many people get valuable furniture on hire purchase, it’s not that expensive when they buy it, but by the time it’s paid for they’re usually antiques.

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"

We were so poor the only way I could afford to get my suit pressed was to ride the subway during rush hour.

If Asda is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the shop free yet?

Q: Why did the programmer quit his job? A: Because he didn't get arrays.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

Bill and John, in their 80's decided to visit the Madam for one last sexual encounter. The Madam noticed Bill and John approaching, she quickly prepared 2 blow-up dolls, placing one in each room on the bed. Bill and John told the Madam that "We are here for the last time". The Madam sent Bill upstairs to the room on the left and John to the room on the right. After an hour Bill and John left the rooms, paid the Madam and left. Bill and John were very quiet until Bill said: "How was yours"? John said, "I think she was dead". John said, "How was yours"? Bill said, "I think she was a witch". John replied, "How did you know she was a witch"? Bill said, "Well I got on top of her, bit her nipple, she farted and flew out the window."

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

How do you find the population of a Mexican village? Roll a quarter down the street.r

A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband. The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’

How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.