Joke #4027

I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom. I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.

I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

Is it still rape if you yell 'Surprise!' first?

3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

Q: Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style? A: That way they can both watch wrestling.

Chuck Norris can make love to a girl so hard and fast it inspired a reality tv series. We know it as Forged in the fire.

Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized."

The lesbians next door bought me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.