I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom.
I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.
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Q: Why did they make glow in the dark condoms?
A: So gay guys can play star wars.
‘I’m a bad lover.
Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.’
Rodney Dangerfield
"Will you marry me?" Is a marriage proposal.
"Will, You, Mary, Me" is a foursome proposal.
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."
The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.
"What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture.
"And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."
"Me!?" demands the patient.
"You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Vote:
Q: What did dick say to rubber?
A: "Cover me I'm going in."
Vote:
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught fire.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!