A man is in a bar talking to his friend.
‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’
‘Did he get anything? asks his friend.
‘Yes,’ says the man.
‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.
My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’
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A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table.
The guy sips it, gags and spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse...
And his favorite drink is punch...
Vote:
A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fat chick in my car?’
A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet.
The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out.
The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me.
The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out.
The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!"
Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?"
"Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I'd like to have a shot of Gin."
The bartender decides to have some fun with him.
So the bartender says "All right, what kind of gin would you like?"
The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kind of gin?"
Bartender says "Sure. You've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen."
The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well, did you know there are three kinds of turds?"
Bartender says "What do you mean three kinds of turds?"
Trucker says "Well, you've got Mustard, Custard, and you, you big shit. Now give me my gin."
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can.
The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?'
The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have."
The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?"
The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."