A man is in a bar talking to his friend. ‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’ ‘Did he get anything? asks his friend. ‘Yes,’ says the man. ‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
A neutron walks into the hotel bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"