A man is in a bar talking to his friend.
‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’
‘Did he get anything? asks his friend.
‘Yes,’ says the man.
‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.
My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
Vote:
My wife's face is green.
The room is now pink.
I think she yelled at me,
"That's your 21st drink!"
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer".
*POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square.
Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column.
‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts.
‘This is the shallow end!’
They say whisky and petrol don’t mix.
They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a beer and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.
The man responded, " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.