An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
The lawyer’s motto: a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.
Yo mamas so poor she traded her car for gas money.
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax? A: After it reaches 95%
A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
Why don't cows ever have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry.