My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
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A girl started noticing a guy who stands in front of her home everyday in the evening.
She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends.
The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her.
It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings.
So, she told her parents.
They too saw him and liked him.
They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage.
But wanted her to make the first move.
The next day, she went to him and said, Hi. I'm Jada.
He said, Hi. I'm Smith.
Hearing this, the girl was very happy as the names were matching like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.
The girl went on and said, I really appreciate your patience and decency.
You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now.
So, I understand that you are in love with me but too shy to say it.
I think i really like you too and would love it if we get married.
The guy smiled and said, Forgive me sister! Actually your home's WIFI doesn't have a password. So, i come here every evening after work to use free wi-fi to chat with my girlfriend.
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.
He said to her that he had to go home and return later.
The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt."
And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.
"These gray hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form.
When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.
"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon.
Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.
A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.
The manager asks why his wife has left the island.
"Were you not having a good time?"
The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What?
Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him to the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."
He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."
Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.
When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.
The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.