The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
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A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted.
Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!"
His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
A man finds a genie lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double."
The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars.
The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses.
The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet the wife stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came back to his senses, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
When I think about it now. ....I think you bring me bad luck!"
A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside.
The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled.
The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice.
He answered, "yes, sister?"
"I'm cold."
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I'm still cold."
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He climbed back into the sleeping bag.
Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again.
"I'm still cold!"
He said, "sister?"
"Yes?"
"We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains."
"Yes, we are!"
"Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?"
"Oh yes! I do!"
"Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"
Vote:
A woman was standing naked, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband: "I feel awful. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied: "Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!