Joke #5186

What is the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him." Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."

A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."

Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? A:Honey I'm home.

Wife:"I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband:"You have perfect eyesight."

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!"

The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’

A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"