Joke #4288

He used to drink so much, Gordon’s thought he was a wholesaler.

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me." "Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned." "Thass a great idea!" When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?" He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned." The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!" "Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thank ya Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." "The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet A: A Budweiser in each hand!

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

I may be a cold hearted and a unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS I'm not an alcholic Alcoholics go to meetings I am a drunk NO FAT CHICKS! Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it! Horn broke watch for finger I'm not pshycotic, I cant read your mind. Keep staring I might do a trick. Chicks dig my ride. I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time. I didn't sell my soal to satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal. Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa. I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privlige. I smile because I have no Idea whats going on. Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. ‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender. ‘He knows when to stop.’