Joke #4303

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. Unless I buy something.’ Jackie Mason
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Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.
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A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
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Two elderly gin-soaked colonels are sitting at the bar of their club. ‘Lend me a tenner for a month, old boy,’ says one. ‘What does a month-old boy want a tenner for?’ asks the other.
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You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: "Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?"
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Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete, darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go. ... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government. . . ." "That's all right, sweetie, don't give it a second thought," answered Peter, "I'm the one who poisoned you."
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Did you hear about the cover-all insurance policy? If you bump your head, they pay you a lump sum.
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If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.
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‘My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.’
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Yo mama is so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street and I asked her, "What are you doing?" and she said, "Moving".
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Yo mama so poor that when I stepped on a cigarette she said "who turned off the heat?"
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