Joke #257

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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has 68.66 % from 273 votes. More jokes about: money

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
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has 83.02 % from 791 votes. More jokes about: marriage, money, priest, women
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
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has 81.27 % from 1510 votes. More jokes about: food, game, husband, money, sex
A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes. He sits at the bar and orders a beer. A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back. He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down. Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same. The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's . The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life. So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours. Been going ten years so far. The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back.  Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off.  As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves. 10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit. This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room. He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum. The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20. The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back. About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar. The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it. The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was bigger than the donkeys. Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it. Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably. The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.
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has 67.52 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, bartender, blonde, money
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."
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has 36.23 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: animal, duck, money
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn’t buy happiness...All most people want is a chance to prove money can’t make them happy.
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has 46.10 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: money
"Hello" "Hello" "Is that you, James?" "Yes, this is James." "Are you sure this is James." "Yes I'm sure, this is James!" "This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?" "I'll tell James when he comes in."
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has 29.93 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: money
Yo' Mama is so poor, her tv only has two channels: on and not working.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: insulting, money, work, Yo mama
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you." "Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
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has 72.77 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage, mean, money, Valentines day
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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has 61.25 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: driving, kids, money
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
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has 51.34 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, money