A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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This desperate guy named Jim goes to the whorehouse with 5$.
He buys a the cheapest prostitute named Sandpaper Sally.
As they start to have sex, Jim screams, "Ouch! Now I know why they call you Sandpaper Sally!"
Sally scoots out of the room.
Five minutes later she came back and Jim attempts sex once again.
"What the hell happened?" asks Jim, "This is the best sex I''ve ever had!"
Sally replies, "Oh, I just picked my scabs."
Vote:
Our body cells renew while asleep.
If only our wallets could do the same.
Two croupiers are sitting bored at the roulette of THE CASINO.
Suddenly a very attractive blonde woman enters and bets $20,000 on a roll, saying: "I hope you do not mind, but I feel very lucky when I play naked."
With that, she unbuttons the zipper, takes her dress and underwear off, throw the dice and yells: "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!"
She looks with agony and as soon as the dice stops, starts jumping up and down screaming: "YES, YES, YES I WON!"
She embraces one to one of the dealers, taking her profits and clothes and disappears.
The guys are looking dumbfounded at each other.
Eventually, one asks: "Did you see what dice she rolled?"
"I do not know, I thought you were watching!"
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray...
"God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."
Chuck Norris doesn't have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank!
Vote:
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.
Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."
The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.
The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies.
"What about your third wish?" asks the genie.
"Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars."
The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens.
"What's wrong?" asks the atheist.
The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn't necessarily mean that I really exist."