An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’
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Chuck Norris always has s*x on the bottom.
Because he never f*cks up.
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Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made.
Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I screw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to screw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."
Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands.
‘Tell me,’ says one.
‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’
‘No,’ says the other.
‘I think we were with the Prudential.’
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
*Grounded and high fived*
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"