I feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled,
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk.
One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed.
"What happened then?"
They asked.
She said, "get out from under the bed and fight like a man".
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?"
"A Budweiser in each hand!"
Two drunks are walking down the street when they come across a dog, sitting on the kerb, licking its privates.
They watch for a while before one of them says, ‘I sure wish I could do that!’
The other looks at him and says, ‘Wouldn’t you like to make friends with him first?’‘
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt.
"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.
The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned."
Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home.
As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt."
Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket."
The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here."
"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
Vote:
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road.
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen.
Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"