Joke #7865

Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea? He drowned in his teepee!

A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt. "Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself. The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned." Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home. As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt." Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket." The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here." "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay." So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school? I'll see you next period.

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber." Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The attorney responded, "Let me take a look." So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rican midget? A: A spec.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?"