If I won the Lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs.
I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.
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Willy: "Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother: "I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?"
Willy: "Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."
I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Where to birds invest their money?
In the stork market!
Our house was so small if we got a large pizza we had to go outside to eat it.
We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
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Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.