They are a fastidious couple.
She’s fast and he’s hideous.
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Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’
Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind."
Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
Vote:
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared.
He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years."