They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."
Two friends talking: "What's up?" "My wife left me for my best friend.." "I thought I was your best friend..." "Now he is."
A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
A husband is watching footie when his wife interrupts, "Honey, the hallway light has been flickering for weeks. Can you fix it?" He angrily looks at her and says, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Well, what about the fridge door. It doesn’t close right." "Fix the Fridge Door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so!" "Ok", she says, "then you could at least fix the front door steps. They’re about to break." "I ain’t no damn Carpenter and I don’t wanna fix any steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got ACE hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough. I’m off to the bar!" After a couple of hours at the local, he feels guilty and decides to go home and make up with his wife. As he walks up to the house he notice the steps are fixed. As he goes into the house he sess the hall light is working, and as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Darling, how’d you get all this fixed?" She replies: "Well, after you left I was sitting outside crying when a nice young man asked what was wrong. I told him, he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was to either bake a cake or go to bed with him." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Helo...Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
Marraige is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.