Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards.
If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
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Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone
you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
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A husband is driving with her blonde wife, the husband says "Can you stick your head out the window if the blinker works?" T
hen the blonde sticks her head out the window and replies, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..".
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Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of beer."
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
I never knew happiness till I got married.
By then it was too late.