‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’
George Burns
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Q: Why do fat, ugly women give the best blow jobs?
A: Because they have to!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: Clothes.
After a long day of winter sporting, we headed back to the ski lodge.
As it was small, a cramped place to stay, we decided it was most fitting to sleep in the same bed.
Myself in the middle and my two friends either side of me.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right woke up and said, "I have had a dream where I was given the best handjob ever!"
A few minutes later, the guy on my left woke up and said: "I have had a dream that I was given the best handjob ever!"
I replied, "well that's funny... I thought I was skiing."
Q: Ever had sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.
‘Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.’
Fred Allen
Q: Why do black women lose their hair at an early age?
A: From all of the hair pulling during rape.
Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says.
‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’
Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’
‘I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago.
I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said “No”.’ Woody Allen