‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’
George Burns
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I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday.
If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died?
A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
Q: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face?
A: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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10 things men don't say
1)Let's watch Lifetime.
2)Sex is overrated.
3)I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4)Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
5)Don't we owe your mother a visit?
6)I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
7)Dessert goes right to my hips.
8)I hate when I miss Oprah.
9)Does this suit make me look fat?
10)I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.
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Two firemen are butt fucking in a smoked filled room.
The fire chief walks in and says "what are you doing?"
Give this man mouth to mouth then one of the firemen says:
"I did how do you think all this shit got started..."
What did the elephant say to the nude man?
‘It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?’
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught fire.
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
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