I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
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What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds?
A dinosaur with the hiccups.
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Yo mamma so fat and scary, Godzilla watches "yo mamma" movies!
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball.
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
A man has his car full of penguins.
He drives past a policeman, but the policeman stops him.
He says.
"Hey, you! Yeah, you! You should take those penguins to the zoo!"
The man does that.
The next day in the same spot, the man still has the penguins.
Once again he drives past the policeman.
"Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," replies the man.
"We had so much fun that were going to the beach today!"
A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers.
He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer "Is that bull safe?"
"Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!"
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A rubbit!
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing not more than fifty feet from them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes. Then, as the bear slowly approached them, he furiously attempted to lace them up.
The second man, somewhat confused, looked at the first man and said, "Whaddya doing? Running shoes ain’t gonna help! You can't outrun that there bear!"
"I don't need to outrun the bear, buddy," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."