I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure.
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?
He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare.
Yo mama so stupid that she mourned wen we slaughtered a goat for Cristmas.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon?
A creature that stinks to high heaven.
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
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Q: What do you call a chilly dog sitting on bunny?
A: A Cold dog on a bun.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
God responds, "You are what you are"
The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes"
The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"