Joke #4483

There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.

‘Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.’ Jay Leno

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."

A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a new word to her class. She would tell the class the word and its meaning, then ask them to come up with a few sentences that included the word for the day. One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was "frugal." She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person is one who saves. She then asked the class to come up with a sentence for the word. The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story: "There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn’t get out. One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. The princess called out of the tower, 'Frugal me! Frugal me!' So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after."

Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood? A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors." Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

Yo' Mama is so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment. And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ Jay Leno

A poor minister was having trouble managing his church. The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs. The minister got a brilliant idea. He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate." They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week. This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone. His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money." He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more." He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "S**t!" It took him two weeks to air out the church.