My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered.
Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!
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What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.
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In what state will you find the most cows?
Moo York.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
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Why did the dinosaur have so few friends?
Because Tyrannosaurus reeks!
What did Mariah Carey really wanted to sing: "All I want for Christmas is you... to get hit by a reindeer."
What's a skunk's favourite game in school?
Show and smell.
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted.
The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car.
The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"