My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered.
Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!
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A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Q: What is red and black?
A: A sunburnt zebra.
Why can’t elephants go on the beach?
Because they can’t keep there trunks up.
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?
Q:Why don't giraffes like fast food?
A:Because they can't catch it!
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?
A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles.
Teacher: Billy, how do you spell "Crocodile"?
Billy: ‘K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Billy: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!